How to Discover and Dispose of Hellish Creatures of One Sort or Another

Whether you are privy to it or not, our world is overrun with all sorts of hellish creatures. Vampires and werewolves, ghosts and televangelists, the occasional ghoul. I have spent the better part of my long life hunting these creatures down and helping them become useful members of society. For example: werewolves make a howling glue.

The following guide will help you make good choices concerning the way you protect yourself from these monstrosities.

If you find them attractive and must sleep with them, that is entirely up to you, though I strongly encourage you to choose wisely. Veganism is a growing movement amongst vampires, but it will surely be some time before it has any noticeable impact on your chances of finding one.

The most important thing you need to know about defending yourself is what sorts of weapons to have readily at hand. Silver is always useful, but there are simpler, “budget” methods for discovering and disposing of monsters. Below I lay out a few ways to deal with the most common evil creatures in your life using household appliances and other accessible items.

Werewolf

Werewolves are formidable in the moonlight but pretty dense otherwise. Grab a stick and throw it. If the suspect chases it, they have wolf blood for sure. Of course, now they know you are onto them, and you’ll either need to get away before they have your scent or destroy them. In human form, anything will work, but you may get picked up by the police later. They’ll treat it as a homicide. Werewolves are way above their pay grade.

Vampire

During my time vampire hunting with Abraham Lincoln back in 1864, I discovered many useful ways to seek and destroy vampires. Silver is like lead to them. Lodge a silver pellet in there and even if they don’t die right away, it will kill them eventually. If you want to take your vampire alive, you can always try garlic. Everyone loves garlic. If they don’t, chances are good that they are a vampire. Put some on a rag and make sure they breathe deeply. But I’ve always found the easiest and most straightforward way to dispose of a suspected vampire is a stake to the heart. If they die, they were a vampire. Works every time.

Ghosts and Ghouls and Zombies Oh My!

There is actually a significant difference between ghosts and ghouls and ghouls and zombies. Ghosts are impossible to kill because they are insubstantial AND already dead. There isn’t really a way to dispose of them except to help them find peace. This usually involves tracking down a cheating spouse, finding who ran over their dog a decade ago, or cleaning the dirt from their corpse’s nostril. Pretty hard to sleep that way. Those ghosts are the worst. Think cranky, nagging spouse with a moldy cheese fetish. Yes, ghosts have breath.

Ghouls are already dead but immensely strong and may look like very pale, sickly, wild-eyed human beings. Not someone you would want to encounter in a dark alleyway, but you might give it no more than a second glance on a crowded street. I recommend reporting any potential ghoul sightings to 1-800-Ghoul-Watchers-US. Ghouls are wicked fast and have a thing for jewelry and watches. If you are wearing any, they will definitely take it and the associated appendage with it, all in your last heartbeat.

Zombies are nothing much to worry about. So called “experts” say that if even one zombie showed up in a city, the infection would take everyone in a matter of about 36 hours. I have never seen that happen. Humans know a threat when they see one, and open wounds, soughing skin, empty head, etc. etc. reeks of threat, so they’re usually dealt with immediately. Also, zombies only like brains. The bigger the brain, the more likely of an attack. And big brained people are usually smart enough to identify and deal with a threat immediately. Still, if you’re a nerd or an elephant watch out.

Wendigo

Wendigos are cool. You don’t see too many of them around anymore except in the highest echelons of society, and even then, they are usually possessing a human being. They are not common and many of you will never meet them, but you must be aware of them for they are acting on your life even now.

The Algonquin people of the Northeastern United States and Southeastern Canada are in possession of the earliest story of a wendigo. I won’t share the whole story here but suffice to say they are the embodiment of greed. The more they consume the bigger their appetite becomes.

They can NEVER-BE-SATISFIED.

Which is great because all you have to do is keep feeding them. They never put on weight, never get full, and can never resist a decent meal. Just keep the food coming and you won’t end up a side dish. Of course, it sucks because the only way to kill a wendigo is to starve it. You’re going to need a really good cage.

Final Notes

That about sums it up for now. Silver is better, but it’s completely understandable why you might not have enough of it lying around to do any good. Here are some things that do NOT usually work. Holy water, crosses, beads tied together with string etc. etc. Those work on some creatures but not most. I’ll have to cover it in another letter. Don’t expect soapy water to have much effect except on the smell.

If this journal entry makes a good number of impressions maybe I’ll tell you more about all the adventures I definitely had.

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