News Flash: Lawmakers Run Out of Useful Things to Do

With all the important legislative tasks at hand, you would think lawmakers would have better things to do than tell you what anyone with the common sense of a five-year-old should know or other useless junk that no one cares about. But that’s exactly what these lawmakers spent your tax dollars doing. They should have been debating such topics as fostering a closing of the racial gap, figuring out how to keep doing the welfare thing without going broke in 25 years, and slowing global climate change. Instead they were writing laws like this:

  1. In Arizona, it’s illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub.
  2. In Colorado, it’s illegal to keep a couch on your porch.
  3. In Connecticut, a cucumber may only be sold as a pickle if it bounces.
  4. In Hawaii, it’s illegal to place a coin in your ear.
  5. In Illinois, it’s legal for minors who are in culinary school to drink alcohol (as if they can be stopped anyway!)
  6. In Indiana, it’s illegal to ride a horse faster than 10mph.
  7. In Kansas, tire screeching is banned.
  8. In Kentucky, a woman cannot marry more than 3 times.
  9. In Louisiana, you can’t send a surprise pizza (who the f*** complained about a surprise pizza?)
  10. In Maine, you can’t park in front of a Dunkin’ Donuts.
  11. In Maryland, sleeveless shirts are banned in public (maybe technically, but I LIVE in Maryland, and have never seen this enforced. My guns don’t like sleeves on sunny days).
  12. In Michigan, it is illegal to sell or purchase a vehicle on a Sunday for religious reasons.
  13. In Mississippi, restaurants can’t show nutrition labels.
  14. In Missouri, bear wrestling is banned (who decided that was a good idea anyway? Oh right, Davey Crocket).
  15. In Montana, it’s illegal to give a rat as a present (well, there goes my plans for my buddy’s wedding).
  16. In Nebraska, you can’t get married if you have an STD (with a largest city population of only 10,000 it’s very important to control density dependent diseases like venereal diseases).
  17. In New Hampshire, you can’t pick up or carry seaweed on the beach.
  18. In New Jersey, bullet-proof vests cannot be worn while committing a crime.
  19. In New Mexico, idiots are banned from voting (wow, this one’s actually a half-decent idea).
  20. In Ohio, you cannot sell dyed chickens (fine, I’ll dye them myself AFTER purchase).
  21. In Pennsylvania, you cannot pay psychics for their services.
  22. In Tennessee it’s illegal to share your Netflix password (I’m in trouble “Beaver Boss: J22F7_0467”)
  23. In Texas, you can’t sell a human eye (what! I had no idea!)
  24. In, Utah, biting is banned in boxing (it’s banned in boxing anyway right?”)
  25. In Vermont, it’s illegal for women to wear fake teeth without hubby’s approval.
  26. In Virginia, you can’t go trick-or-treating if you’re over 12 years old (who’s going to rat on a 15 year old trick or treator? Raise your hand now so the community can beat you with a twizzler).
  27. In Alabama, it is illegal to drive blindfolded (I cannot describe how insane this law is).
  28. In Texas, it is illegal to fish from horseback.

One question we have to ask ourselves is, “What have people been up to for such laws to exist?” But at the same time, just because a few people make bad or disagreeable choices, do lawmakers have to get involved? If I ever want to wrestle a bear or drive blindfolded, you bet I will, but I won’t be around to go to jail or pay any fines for it. While the laws are good for a laugh, maybe the lawmakers should focus on something more important to do, like golf…leisure is important for a stressful job like sitting around and, apparently, shooting the breeze all day.[1]


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